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Blunderbuss Issue 2 (1977)


This page provides the full text of the second issue of "ECM", the prototype for BLUNDERBUSS.


If anyone can identify which month this issue appeared, please contact the Editors.


You can explore the Blunderbuss archive here.




Contents of Issue 2



A Typical ECM Meeting

Entertainments Committee

Poem

Redgrave Theatre: Living Together

A Letter to the Editor

The Bowling Trip

One Man and his Dog

Mr B and the Chocolate Story

Acknowledgements

Incidentally

Italian Holiday





A Typical ECM Meeting


A small room somewhere in Farnham is approached by a mysterious figure wearing glasses. He puts the key in the lock  then kicks the door down, and goes in. It's the Boss, David Phelan; known to his friends as Luigi, he is a man without scruples, although doctors have done their best with vitamin E tablets. Dave seats himself in his plush chair and waits.


Within a few hours the rest of the committee arrive: Geoff "Guitar" Whiting, and Arnie, Dave's right hand man, followed by Mick "the Knife" Mehta, his foot rest. Then Rosie the "Sec" arrives in her fishnet stockings and mini skirt. Dave takes his tablets and the orgy begins.


Geoff: Hey Boss, what's the "hype" on the disco set up?


Dave: McLaughlin's putting up a strong resistance but I think he'll crack under pressure boys.


Mick: I'll get him Boss! No-one defies the E.C.M. and lives (Draws his knife)


Rosie: Cool it Mick babe!


(The rest of this meeting is not available for printing due to the alcohol shortage.)


After 3 hours in T2 only two of the committee are still awake - Dave (Luigi) wades through a pile of bodies to switch off the record player and Rosie perches seductively on the table, which collapse waking up the dog Mike Mehta.


Things are getting under the table way, cogs are in motion, and so are Rosie's legs. The meeting continues into the night. Arnie stops for a slug of whisky, Dave stops for a slug (Min's French recipe), and a slug stops for Mike. After 3 hours the E.C.M. emerges, some of them still wearing clothes. What have they achieved? Nothing. But do they enjoy it? "Not 'Arf!"


G.W.





Entertainments Committee


Arnie (Chairman)*, Rosemary Bowsher (Secretary)*, Min Hammerton-Fraser (nothing in particular)*, Mike Mehta (dog), David Phelan (Consultant)*, Jo Sheldon (friend of Min's), Julian Wakefield-Harrey (rock star), Geoff Whiting (the wit)*.


* member of Council


DON'T FORGET .... THE EC SUGGESTION BOX IS IN THE MAIN FOYER. USE IT!!!!





Poem


A handsome young rodent named Gratian


As a lifeguard became a sensation


  All the lady mice waved


             And screamed to be saved


By his mouse to mouse resuscitation


Ogden Nash (6 Pkn/F)


 



A Joke the Revue Forgot


Man: Waiter, can I have a roll with my tart?


Waiter: I'm sorry Sir, we don't do accommodation


 



Redgrave Theatre: Living Together by Alan Ayckbourn


"Living Together," the second of the Norman Conquests by Alan Ackbourn is, contrary to the opinion of the Farnham Herald, funnier than the first play. True, much more time is given over to the serious side of Ayckbourn's writing, but this enhances and strengthens the comedy of the whole.


The fact that the comic moments are rarer makes them much more worthwhile. To those of the audience who have seen the first play, certain events will be less funny in this, but more satisfying as loose ends are conscientiously tied up. There is, by the bye, a mistake in the programme. Scene 2 in Act 1 is Sat, 8pm, not Sun, as the programme says.


The end of the first Act is superbly funny. As the scene degenerates into chaos and the stage lights dim, it becomes clear that the play has been ably and finely directed - by Christopher Masters.


As to the cast, they are, as before, faultless. Roger Davidson as Tom has the character so perfectly that one begins to wonder how much is acting ...!


The play runs until May 7th, and is very highly recommended, whether or not you have seen Table Manners first.


D.P.




 

A Letter to the Editor


Dear Editor


I am seriously concerned about a problem which, if not attended to soon, will probably besmirch the life of the college. I am speaking, of course, of the Red Peril.


By this I do not mean Man. Utd. supporters, but acne, or its more sever form: devolution. I have noticed this affliction among several leading students, who having been seen badger-stuffing at the bottom of the field, have hone into hiding in Wapping.


They should be condemned to a year's fly-fishing. (I have 2 collections of flies, and would be willing to open them to the public).


Yours very faithfully,


Iris Broadbent-Wilson (Mrs)




 

The Bowling Trip


The bowling trip will be remembered by all who rolled on it - and not without good reason. The coach left the College at 6.15 without most of the people who had tickets for the trip. The first technical hitch arose when we arrived at the bowling alley late ... it had been closed 7 years! Fortunately we were at the wrong alley. Upon arriving at the correct alley students fell out of the coach happily. For many people bowling was a new experience. There were in fact many novices in the party - but only tow of them wore their habits. The fact that people were new to the sport presented several problems.


Peter Hollands made his first mistake when he threw Alison Beel down the lane - she escaped with minor injuries, and Peter scored a "strike". Chris Hunt had trouble with the special shoes ... they wouldn't fit over his hands, and Mike Mehta was simply bowled over ... by Arnie, Geoff, Helen, Ian and Tony. Soon however things were swinging and balls were rolling ... and later the bowling started.


Tony Baines was compared to "Hutch" when he demonstrated his casual technique: so casual in fact that he dropped the ball during his approach run and did a double somersault with a two-point landing. To the surprise of the two old ladies on whom he landed. After many hours of this "sport", exhausted students rushed for "Scotch on the rocks" and Scots on the sofas, but were unlucky and were forced to return to the coach in desperation - and you had to be desperate to return to that coach.


So, at 11.00 the wheels of the coach came to a halt outside the College gates ... and at 11.10 the rest of the coach arrived. All the passengers disembarked and only two were arrested; the other one got away. Thus another "fantastic voyage" was over and Mike Mehta never saw his trousers again.


G.W.





"One Man and his Dog"


Geoff Whiting and Martin Collier would like to thank Mrs. Walters for all the hard work she put in towards the production of the review. They would also like to thanks Mrs. Brown for all her help. Thanks also to both the psychiatrists and to the blood-donors of Farnham Hospital. Harry Bennett would like to thank Penny - and I'm sure he will. Jeremy Hardy thanks Pat for her support and Geoff Whiting would like to thank all the props girls (if they give him the chance). Thanks mainly of course to all the cast and their doctors.


 



Mr B and the Chocolate Story


(Cover Story)


In recent years, it has become increasingly apparent that Spanish Currency is flooding the world due to the untiring efforts of a small group of Farnham College students. Mr B's Tutor Group have been hard at work using a converted Russell Hobbs kettle (backed with a year's guarantee) and an unlimited supply of chocolate for the coins. To date, they have not yet been traced by the Spanish Police, who have been searching certain premises in Castle Street for the past three years.


The scheme was masterminded by one L.B. who wishes to remain anonymous. The idea came to him after a Spanish holiday after which he found himself with a large quantity of unused money. He soon discovered a great demand for this on the BLACK MARKET (people didn't want to buy slaves with sterling). Likewise, a similar market was available for all things Spanish (ie Spanish omelettes, fly, Dry Sac, meatballs, eyes, policemen and Orson Welles). He was able to sell 1 cwt of pesetas to the kitchen staff - hence the lumps in your mash.


Mr B's tutor group have requested me to insert an appeal into my article (as it were). While the manufacturing process is relatively inexpensive, involving as it does a converted Russell Hobbs kettle (backed with a years guarantee for parts - labour and private) and a Mr. B's pyjamas long since fallen into disuse, and for the paper currency, old students' essays, nevertheless the cost of procuring chocolate is prohibitive (owing to the failure of the chocolate crop in Brazil colon brackets - Ed) and assistants are required for a smash and grab raid on the tuck shop - please bring your own roubles.


Roving Reporter Gregory Kissinger





Acknowledgements


The Entertainments Committee would like to thank Mr. J.C. McLaughlin for his kind comments and encouragement in respect to the magazine. It is NOT however, we would point out, called Penny Dreadful (He may be confusing us with Penny Hazell, who, no doubt is also filled with good things).


THIS MONTH'S COVER WAS DRAWN BY Paul Dalton 6 Sc/L


WE GIVE 50p for each cover idea we print. Submit all ideas to Arnie.


WE STILL WANT YOUR IDEAS, AND YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS - IT'S YOUR MAGAZINE!












 

Incidentally ...


DID YOU KNOW that "David Allen" of the Borough, Farnham, willingly give a 10% discount to students of Farnham College (that's YOU schmuck)? Well they do!


Did you kNow that the average Frenchman sleeps with 11.8 women and the average Frenchwoman sleeps with 18 men? The Ents. Comm. proposes a survey ...


Further ...


500,000,000 humans carry hookworm? Concorde's sonic bang is not as loud as Edinburgh's midday gun? It costs £2.50 pwk to feed alsations [sic] at Leicester Prison and £1.20 for a prisoner? Deoderants [sic] are used by 53% of men in the UK? To preserve  conversation there is no Hungarian television?




 

Italian Holiday


Group of 27, including David, Howie and Wizzy, left Farnham station on Tues. 12th April. By train to Folkestone. Calm crossing of Cahnnel by ferry for all, except Pippa - accosted by an over masculine Frenchie. From Calais to Florence. Long journey necessitated the use of couchettes. Various alcoholic beverages consumed before bed-time, also Stuart Baily's disco.


Wed. 13th. Penny's birthday. Most of us up at 4 in the morning to watch the sun rise - it didn't. MINIATURE  birthday cake supplied by James Campbell, followed by renderings of English songs, plus Happy Birthday in harmony - passengers in adjoining compartments did not see the potential of our impromptu choir! Down through the Swiss and Italian Alps, fantastic scenery, snow capped mountain peaks and cloudless sky. Arrival at Florence. That evening at a local bar - Colin and Nigel M. boosted international relations with two German girls - it's not only the Italian boys who are quick!


Next day Florence was toured in separate groups, most people at some time in the day climbed up and then all the way back down the dome of Florence Cathedral, 1000 steps in all, although tiring it was worth it. The view of Florence was magnificent.


Sat 16th. By now in Folignio, plenty of food for those who liked pasta, POOR Colin! Wizzy given most interesting magazine (illegal in G.B. - XXXX rating). He and it and Stuart and it went missing for some time! Interesting lay out of Youth Hostel in Folignio - boys bathrooms etc. through the main sitting room. Excellent viewing: James's blue Y-fronts! Howie in general dishevelled state.


From Folignio visited Assisi, Perugia and for some a special Wizzy 99m/p/h tour of Rome. Here Stuart took a taxi from St Peter's to the station, costing him £2 while the others took a bus for only 7p! Meanwhile back in Assisi while on one of Howie's marathon walks David fell over, knocked Fiona down and they both rolled down the hill into an olive grove.


Now to Ravenna. Here some of us imbibed of the vines too freely, luckily with Italian wine you don't suffer from a hangover; however two of our group who will remain nameless i.e. Angela and Henry got lost on their way back to the hostel. HO HO they were so far gone that they didn't see the hostel right in front of them! Wizzy was accosted by an irate bus inspector for not buying a ticket. He managed to avoid a fine. Howie tired to help by saying "Non criminali" in reference to Wizzy, to the inspector, in his pseudo-Oxford-Italian accent.


On to Venice. Four of us went on a gondola trip - expensive but fun. Colin, Nigel and Charles were bankrupted by me because [they] wanted some coffee and so I said we should have it in the open air cafe by which we were standing. We did and it was our first and last cup costing approx. 80p each. F.C. boosted the sale if ice-cream in Italy - averaged 5 per day per person. To see what varieties we had the choice of ask to see Steve Ayres note book. You will also see which varieties of Pizzas he and Karen tried.


An interesting last night in Venice was had by all - Twp groups of students went out for drinks. One lot frequented bars, while we ate Pizza a drank bee in the very centre of St Mark's Square! Meanwhile Howie, David, Rachel and Wizzy went to a bar and - drank! One of them who shall remain nameless (got you worried!) started a pillow fight with all the boys in the form including the young Italians in there. This continued until an Italian teacher came and gave Mr H. N. a reprimand!


All too soon it was time to start the marathon 30 hour journey home, back through the Alps which now had less snow (and it poured rain) to Basel. Here we tried to cross the Swiss border but the French didn't want us either! Eventually by going through customs we got across, although James was searched by a Gestapo-like woman who seized upon his packet of sugar and then his teabags! Mixed sleeping in the couchettes gave way to much comment. Then we embarked, heading for the duty free shop. It was quite rough with lots of spray, making those gorging in the restaurant feel queasy. Then past the White cliffs to Folkestone where most of the group went through customs unaccosted. At Waterloo some even sank to drinking British Rail tea! Most of the party struggled into College on Monday morning.


Despite the above most people did manage to fit in a considerable amount of legitimate historical sight seeing and enjoyed themselves!